If you’ve ever watched The Big Bang Theory and saw an episode with Raj’s timid, awkward girlfriend, Lucy, then you will have seen the inner me portrayed outwardly by her.
Stuck in my head about anything that happens to be on my plate. I might call it anxiety but it’s more like obsessive thinking, planning, double & triple checking times and details. Always making lists and taking notes. Must have as much information as possible!
The morsel that was on my plate today was a shop assignment for Shipt. Shipt is a company where they have people do your shopping and delivering of mostly just groceries all done via an app. I onboarded with them months ago when I coincidentally started a regular job, so never actually did a Shipt shop. But I did go through the course, and I took it again recently to refresh myself before doing a shop. I had heard about how easy it is to work for Shipt from a former coworker who really raved about it, so I was sold, even though I don’t like shopping. It must have been my desperation.
A few days ago I finally put myself on the schedule so I could receive shop assignments offered for this weekend. Since putting myself on the schedule I kept checking the app periodically to see if there were any offers. Obsessing activated! I even took notes from the course material so I’d have it handy just in case. Finally, yesterday I got a shop offer for today that I accepted. Not too many items. Not any weird or unusual items. Drop off selected so I wouldn’t even have to see the recipient. I don’t know how many times I checked that dang app for the details of that one little order I accepted to shop. Also to check on new offers, even though I would get an audible notification on my phone if/when they sent a shop offer. UG! Mentally going through my time frame, thinking about what time I should get in the shower, what time I should leave, and what time I should arrive at the store, as there is a one hour window for delivery. What to wear…? They sent me a t-Shirt with their logo on it, but I certainly don’t want to attract attention to myself by wearing it! Now I’m having to convince myself to not give up on this one little shop. Just do it for the experience of it. To not worry about it so much. To think of it as a game. To think that it really doesn’t matter if I somehow do a bad job. Don’t quit. But what if I can’t find the item and the recipient won’t respond to me for a substitution? What if I can’t get the app to work, or have a brain fart and can’t figure out how to work it? What if my Shipt credit card doesn’t work at check out? What if I have a problem and I can’t get help on the app? Maybe a ‘ride-along’ would have been a good idea, if it had been an option…why am I so dumb??? Don’t quit. What are you so afraid of? Failure? So what if you fail? I even journaled about it. I kept trying to convince myself to not drop the shop. Just do it. I ended up doing a coin toss, even did 2 out of 3…yep, I dropped the shop. Not proud of myself, and don’t really feel any less anxious cuz now I have this to obsess about!
Speaking of anxiety, a little different than the mental obsessing. To me, anxiety includes the adrenaline rush (which I find very unpleasant, I don’t understand how people can LIKE that feeling) and sweaty pits & palms. Somehow the body feelings of anxiety and the uncontrollable mental obsessing about X, Y or Zed seem to be a similar animal to me. Neither make any sense to me. And it makes even less sense that I can think it makes no sense yet still suffer from it/can’t stop it. Maybe more meditation would help. Medication? He, he!
Even going to familiar places and visiting with familiar people causes silly anxiety within myself. Imagine job interviews, blind dates or going any place for the first time. Anything on a time frame, especially flying, causes all kinds of preparing, making lists, thinking out the scenario to try to anticipate any thing that I might need or encounter. But most of all, I am always early for important time sensitive events. Early because I’ve been preparing and obsessing for a day before the event!
I’ve been dealing with this all of my life and it hasn’t gotten any easier, despite pushing myself past and through anxiety inducing situations. I’ve been ‘faking it till I make it’ and still haven’t… yet…. made it…
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